Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The sadness


We went to ride the lightrail on opening day. We headed out to Christown...I know it has a different name, I just don't know what it is! That being the begining of the lightrail line. They were having quite the festival. Food booths, a stage with men singing old songs, general carnival like atmosphere. Katie was so excited to ride. When we approached the line, it was more like Disneyland than a carnival. There was a two and a half hour wait to ride the stinking thing!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas 2008!!!

Yes, it has been a long time.

Not long after my last post, my home life, which had been progressively becoming less satisfying, abruptly (after some drastic action on my part) took a turn for the better. Try a 180. I just about got whiplash! Actually not whiplash but a massive case of anxiety. Here I was with harmony in my home for the first time in...wellll...years, a job I like, fantastic kids and constant anxiety attacks! I really wasn't fair. One would think that the AA would happen when things are bad right? Oh, no. Not me! But then ask Dr. Moore (my pediatrician when I was a little girl) I've always been weird.

I was muddling through work, barely. Easy tasks, such as filing, were beginning to confound me. The old brain just shut down. I was able to avoid turning into crazy, angry lady again, tho' it was a near thing near the end there. The problem was that my psycho nurse switched practices and the MD type I see has NO CLUE about psycho meds. I eventually wound up taking a week off to find a new psycho and get on new meds. My mother asked how I planned to get in to a new psycho in only a week. My response was because I willed it so.

I spent all Monday on the phone and was beginning to despair. Tuesday the kids were off school, so we went and played...that my friends is better than all the psychos in the universe. While on our tri-city playing tour I got a call that one of the psychos could see me Thursday! Yippee!!!!!

I went to see her...she really wanted to diagnose me as bi-polar. I've been through that with the first psycho...I'm SOOOOOOO not bi-polar. But I really don't care what she wants to call me, as long as she gives me drugs that work. She did, I am taking them & am back to normal...well form me anyway...which is pretty f-ing weird in the first place.

The next week, when I got back to work, I had an appointment with my supervisor. No big deal, she is cool, but it was a little curious, since I'd been languishing on the job for quite some time. And, you know, recession and all, yadda yadda. I meet with her at the appointed time, she asks how I am then asks if I want the desktop publishing position. DOES THE POPE SHIT IN THE WOODS? IS A BEAR CATHOLIC?

I had been mentioning for the past year that I wanted that position. When I say mentioning, I mean bugging, nagging, telling everyone that would listen that I wanted it. I made sure to bring it up to the powers that be as often as possible...FOR A YEAR. I guess they were finally fed up with the lady that had taken it over and were willing to give me a shot. The plan was to start training that Thursday...this was Monday, remember.

Tuesday, when I got in to work, I had frantic e-mails & voice mails from my supervisor. There was a desktop emergency (doesn't that bring to mind files on fire or rodents and insects scurrying all over the place? WTH is a desktop emergency anyway?) and the other lady wasn't in. She asked if I would be willing to jump in and take care of it. See above re: the Pope & the bear. I did, I found a document that no one could tell the locations for, made edits to said document in a program that I had never even heard of before and got it sent back to the requester in record time. From that moment on I was the new desktop person...the other lady found out...the next day...when she came back in.

I love my job!!!! I get paid to play with pictures all day long. I get paid to teach myself really groovy new software programs. I almost feel guilty about taking money for it...almost. I'm feeling an awful lot like Br'er Rabbit...I finally got thrown into my briar patch!

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My life on public transit

So...since the beginning of summer I have been mostly taking the bus to work. And as strange as you all know I am, I really enjoy it. I know. I'm sick. There is something wrong with me that a nice lobotomy would probably take care of.

Reasons I like the bus:

  • I get my exercise by walking to and from the bus.
  • During the monsoon I got to walk in all kinds of wild weather conditions. I never did get rained on tho' darnnit.
  • Now that the kids are back in school I get to play with them on the bus for a short time.
  • Lots of photo opportunities! (See my Facebook bus album)
  • I put my makeup on while riding. This is ever so much safer than putting makeup on while driving.
  • I plug in to my Pod and read a book. Not a bad way to spend 30-45 minutes.
  • All the new friends I get to meet!
  • Retarded Monkey Spandex Man...whose name is Richard I found out today.
  • Lots of photo opportunities!
  • So many stories.
  • So many sights.
  • So many smells.
  • The lack of monotony. In the car it is just me. On the bus I get to see different things all the time.
  • Public transit is a veritable socioeconomic melting pot. You have the rich & poor all together in an uncomfortable, cramped, noisy space.
  • Getting up close and personal with my fellow man (sometimes WAY TOO up close).
  • Constant opportunities to laugh. Just the other day a very large woman of color got on the bus with what appeared to be about 2 dozen bags hanging off her arms. She was a plastic sack tree. She did not appear to be homeless, but damn she had a lot of bags. She was wearing a pretty lavender shirt that was 2 sizes too small. It did not come down anywhere approaching her waistband. She didn't have a waist...she had a belly. Her belly dunlapped over her belt. I was frightened. I still have a belly albeit a much smaller one. I have the good sense to keep it covered up!

Anyway, you get the idea. The whole thing just cracks me up. There is something funny every single day. I love walking from the the bus into my office in the morning. For some reason that jaunt from Van Buren to Washington, while listening to my tunes, just makes me so happy. Sometimes I want to barf because I feel like Mary Tyler Moore. If I had a hat I would throw it.

Sad, but true. Up next...Unintentional Exercise or Bus Misadventures

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Freaks in Downtown Phoenix

When last we met the junior freaks and their fearless leader got to leave "Take Your Child to Work Day" early.
What to do? Go home two hours early to a grumpy man? Absolutely not! We went on a walking tour of Downtown Phoenix.
First there was lunch. Now, there are many interesting sights and sounds downtown that give it its own distinct flavor. One major attraction is Angry Preacher Guy (whose name, I've been told is Robert).
Nearly every afternoon, for a couple hours, this guy is on his corner, screaming about the wages of sin and the wrath of JE sus. This photo is about as friendly looking as the man gets. I've been wanting to take his picture for quite some time, but didn't have the guts. The boys & I had gone to Starbucks, which is across the street from his perch. No! I did not take the photo blatantly. I had #1 pose, acted like I was taking his pic. & just zoomed to get this shot. Aren't I sneaky? Or stupid, whatever.
We also watched construction:
Then #3 posed in front of the naked man statue:

Please note the hand placement. It was actually unintentional, tho does keep my blog rated PG.
We then decided to walk over to the Herberger Theater. Well, actually, I decided, but that is the joy of being the Fearless Freak Leader, isn't it?

The Herberger has many statues in front of it. Dancing statues. Naked, dancing statues. Are you sensing a theme? I have always wanted to dance with the naked statues. So we did. Here is the evidence:

It was so very, very much fun. This last picture was the only pose #2 would do. The other two participated marvelously...especially #3.

From there we went over to the Arizona Center. Whilst #2 went in Hooter's (at least they aren't naked) to use the restroom, the other boys had a lunch bag fight.

I love the way people watch us when we do these things. It is such fun being a freak. I highly recommend it!

After milling around the Arizona Center for a while, we decided to take the trek home. Well, we took the bus home, but you got that didn't you?

It was a hot day...very, very hot...surface of the sun hot. We waited in the sun at the bus stop, despairing of ever being cool again. When it finally arrived there was much rejoicing!

The bus didn't have air conditioning!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Freaks on the loose part deaux

When last we left off, the freakish darlings & I had arrived at "take your child to work day". We went in, got situated & #2 dove head first into the donuts & apple juice. I left him & #3 to their feeding frenzy and brought #1 with me to my desk & introduce him around. I learned a few things from this:

  • "The Pants with Nobody Inside Them" has left massive emotional scars on the boy,
  • you don't introduce your teenager by your adorable nickname for him
  • when introducing him to lots of different people, change the script periodically...apparently I said the same thing to everyone...or be subjected to merciless mocking.

We went back with the group in time to learn what is done in a law firm and then they heard the story of "The People vs. Joey Wolfcrier". This was a mock-trial that the kids got to put on. They received their rolls and split up. While the "actors" were learning their parts, the "jury" was being prepped.
After prep, the trial began. #2 was a witness for the prosecution, the blacksmith. He really didn't like Joey Wolfcrier. My bff's dd was the defense attorney, these are her shoes. I was sitting on the floor taking pictures, so got to watch her feet under the table...cracked me up. I know I'm strange...I don't fight it anymore.

This is our courtroom:Which bff disrupted so the Judge could bang her gavel. None of the kids really knew what she was doing tho...#2 just thought she was being a moron.

The jury went to deliberate, when they returned it was a hung jury. All but one of them thought Joey was innocent. The lone guilty vote was none other than my #3.

Afterward, we did crafts. Here are the results:
After the crafts, we didn't have anything else to do, so got to go home early.
Up next: Freaks on the loose in downtown Phoenix!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Freaks on the loose!

Yesterday was "Take Your Child to Work Day" at my firm. That being the case I was spared the agony of the root-growing experiment and instead got to hang out with the little darlings all day.

The morning began well. #3, who is his mother's child and does a fabulous "bear in deep winter" impersonation, bounded out of bed shortly after 6 a.m., followed by #2 who had slept on the his clothes. #1 had to be coaxed from his slumber but was pleasant...until...he remember we were taking the dreaded bus to work!!!!!! This strapping, 15 year old, football playing, young man began whining like a two year old at nap time.
Ad nauseaum.
We took the bus. (insert evil grin here)
While on our walk #1 continued his diatribe until threatened with being left home...apparently being left out is a fate worse than the bus.

Here is a picture of me, tho, it doesn't show what I am doing...putting on my makeup. Yes, I sit on a bus bench, on one of the most congested streets in the city, and do my face...I am a looser...what can I say.
This next image, is part of the scenery of the bus stop...petrified chicken bones! They have been there for the past week...maybe they are from the Petrified Forest! I could charge admission!
The bus we took was more crowded than usual, we stopped for 3...count them...3 people in wheelchairs. This was a personal record for my bus riding experience. My boys are so good, they got up voluntarily so that older/female people could sit...which left them hanging on me! At least their germs & smells are familiar. I took some are a couple of "bus friends" that my guys gave up their seats for:

#2 was lucky that he finally stood up. The bearded man in the photo was chatting up the guy next to could have been #2 trapped there, instead he was draped across my shoulder like a cat on lithium. When we were finally released from the bus, we went to my office, where the fun began!
I will finish this in two more parts (Gotta do some work!!!! Check me out...I can barely contain myself!!!)

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Quiet Desks

They do afford me the time to post here. Something I love to do, but, other than that they are exceedingly annoying. The beauty of being a team secretary is that I don't really have "responsibility". That falls to the regular secretary. The ugly is sitting in a chair attempting to look busy.

I'm not a work-a-holic (stop, just pick yourself back up and keep reading) but I'm getting paid an exorbitant amount of money to hold a chair down, print emails, answer the phone the 1.2 times it rings and the attorney-du-jour can't answer it, and monitor the secretary's email so she doesn't come back to too many firm bulletins and Viagra adds. I think team secretary is just code for an insidious experiment to ascertain the time it takes for roots to form between my ass and the chair and how many times I can bang my head against a keyboard without getting irreparable brain damage.

The last assignment I had lasted over a month and they actually gave me work to do. I didn't have time to blog, let alone much of anything else. In that time there was no moss growing down south, let alone roots. I loved it. They actually acknowledged that I had a brain, and let me use it. Now, 4 working days later, I feel like retarded monkey spandex man could do my job. I feel like a fraud. I am wasting my life for money, when I could be actually raising my children. I would pay to be home with them. I'm coming up with creative time wasters for probably more money than teachers, policemen, firemen, etc. make. I don't know that for sure, but damn I make too much for days like today. This is wrong

Going to lunch before I depress everyone more. Bleh.

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Grossest Mom Ever!!!

Or: How to Snap Your Kids Out of a Bad Attitude.

So, we actually went camping for a little while this weekend. We left home at noon on Saturday and left the campsite about the same time Sunday. Was it worth it you ask? Oh my yes!!! I love the drive and the desert was absolutely beautiful. It was cool up there (it is becoming sweltering in the valley) and the air smells so good.
While breaking camp yesterday I had planned to go to Ryan's Ranch to play before making the drive back down the mountain. My children had other ideas. #2 decided that he wantedtogohomerightnow and got the princess in the car and asked her to get her seat belt on. The princess is adverse to taking direction from anyone, most especially #2. I'm not sure why this is, he is the sweetest and most mellow of my boys, but that is neither here nor there. The wailing ensued. There was touching and crying and "justgetyourseatbelton!" and wailing and hitting and "#2hurtme!!!" and wailing and wailing. I finally got #2 out of the car, calmed him down and told him he could sit in the front seat with me. I told the princess to straighten up and to not be such a....brat, yeah, that's the word...brat. I decided that we would just go home instead of Ryan's Ranch. I moved #3 next to the princess and he began grumbling to her, she got louder in her protests until I hear "HEWONTLEAVEMEALONE!!!!" I glanced back to see #3 slowly slide one finger onto her car seat. As the tormentor of younger siblings myself, I can understand the perverse pleasure in such an action. Now a mother myself, and the operator of a ton of metal, I can understand why my mom would do her Linda Blair impression in such circumstances.

As the darlings whipped themselves into a frenzy, I tell #3 that he'd better stop annoying the princess. His reply? "She's just a stupid girl!" To which I, oh soooo maturely state, "Well you're a stupid boy." His eyes narrowed and he growled "You're a stupid mom."

In case you are worried...I did not beat him to death. I would have liked to, but I refrained.

I did, however, pulled off the highway onto the first dirt road I could find. Stopped the car, hauled his butt out and plopped him down on a rock. I stood there glaring at him while the cars whipped by, silently contemplating the advisability of a beating in full view of traffic. I decided that discretion was the better part of parenting and tried talking to him. We talked and hugged and got back in and started moving down the road. I was musing to myself about how miserable the trip home would be if everyone stayed as irritable as they were, when we passed a dead elk on the side of the road.

At the nearest turn off to said elk, I pulled in, told everyone to get out of the car to check out the carcass. Some were interested, some not so much, but trudging down the road we went. About 200 yards later we came upon the desiccated elk. It obviously had been hit on the right flank and then chewed upon, the entire chest and abdomen, though, had not been touched. That spot on its spine was munched, as well as the flesh removed from its lower jaw. Other than that it was largely intact. The kids didn't want to get close to it (which is a really good thing). I did happen to lean over and get a good look at the fact that it was missing an eyeball! It was completely gross. We took a bunch of pictures and finally left.

Every one's attitude was much improved after our little field trip.

Let's hear it for the power of roadkill!!!!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Death by Pie

I gained a pound this week.

It was Memorial Weekend. We went out of town. I did well until around Sunday afternoon and just slapped on the feed bag.

My final downfall was MIL wanting to go to Village Inn after I picked her up on Tuesday evening. I went in fully intending to not order anything for myself and having a bite or two from what the kids got. When I walked in the door there was a pie in the display case that immediately started calling to me. A Hawaiian strawberry pie.

I tried to ignore just got louder. While I was helping the kids decide what to get, that darn pie came up and tapped me on the shoulder! I kept arguing that I didn't really want it but it was so persistent! The final blow was when Katie wanted to go to the display case to see what she could get. There it was, shining and beautiful, an ethereal glow around it.

All Katie wanted was plain cheesecake,

it looked like dog food next to the Hawaiian. I kept trying to resist...then the waiter came to take our order. I caved. It was so good. I did only eat half of it. I kind of felt yucky afterward, but it was tasty.
Now, tell me, which would you have chosen? Hhhhhhmmmmmm?!

Friday, May 9, 2008


For the past few days I have been wearing my old boot on my sore foot. You know, the big old orthopedic boot that has a 2” high lift that is rounded, so you feel like you are walking on a boot? The one that you wrap a padded cushion around your leg so that your leg sweats profusely. The thing that you Velcro yourself into with enough strap to make it seem a bit kinky. The one that you can tuck a flask inside, thus enabling you to drink your booze at the concert? (Was that last one out loud?)

Anyhoo. I hate wearing the boot. It isn’t fun, tho it does seem to be helping. I decided not to wear it today, to see how it would do. Before lunch I put it back on. But I finally realized why I don’t want to wear it.


When I wear it I look like a cripple.

I walk like a cripple: If I’m not careful I will slam the ankle of my good foot on the hard plastic edge of the boot. This is not comfy and especially attractive when blood runs down my leg. So I have to sort of swing the good leg out to avoid doing this. Hey! If I bend over I could look like Quasimodo!.

I sound like a cripple: Step……thunk. Step…..thunk. Step….thunk.

I’M NOT A FREAKING CRIPPLE. I can do anything I want to, with the exception of run very far or fast. But who wants to run anyway?

Just when I think I’m a failure as a mother

I've been running like crazy hauling people to and from activities and feel like my kids are being raised by wolves lately.

On the way home from football practice last night #3 and I were by ourselves. I told him of a situation at work with a guy that is creeping me out. I started telling him that the guy is pretty weird, but we have fun saying silly things when we see each other…but he is an odd guy. #3 stopped me and said, “Mom, remember, in first grade, when I was mean to Tyler and you told me that was bad? You told me to be nice to him. This guy might be your Tyler.” That just put me in my place. Then I told him that this guy has been saying some things lately that are really starting to creep me out. Again he stopped me by saying, “Mama, you should just do what I do when kids are saying bad things on the playground. I say Jesus doesn’t want us to sin.” I am amazed an in awe of this little guy. I guess I’m not a failure.

When telling #1 about it this morning (he got the more in depth version) he told me I should call the cops.

I guess somewhere in the middle is the answer.

Friday, May 2, 2008

I won't go gracefully into that good night

I have always prided myself on the fact that I have good eyesight. Not that I really have anything to do with it. There has always been this secret smugness inside of me as more and more people I know need glasses. When DM got glasses I giggled. When he needed bifocals I chortled. I'm married to an old man...hee, hee, hee.

Cut to present day.

I've been noticing that things are fuzzier than normal. I have to squint and move the paper back and forth when reading small print. But I don't need glasses. My eyes are fine. I'm not that old. Pay no attention to the grey hair...wait, it's not grey hair, it is highlights...yeah...highlights...platimum blonde highlights are what they are called.

Well, the attorney-du-jour gave me some documents to revise the other day. The came from a client and were in 9 point font. Normal font size is 12, so there is quite a difference. Combine that with the scribbling that said attorney made all over the paper and it was a difficult task. When I showed the mess I had to work with to other secretaries they groaned and said things like, "Better you than me." "Good luck with that." And my personal favorite, "HA!!!" I had 6 of these suckers to do! My eyes were crossing, but I finally got them done. I said to myself, "Self, maybe you should see about glasses, it might make the strain on our eyes less." Myself said, "Shut your hole, bitch! We are not that old!" Myself is a cranky one...potty mouth too. The next morning, when I arrived, on my chair was another document to revise. This one complete with tiny font, ADJ's scratchings, but to perfect my eyestrain it came in colors. The document had been created with track changes turned on. I HATE TRACK CHANGES! So I had to look at not just tiny black type, but red and blue as well. I got 2 pages into it, stomped downstairs (with my eyes streaming), lay prostrate at my BFF's feet and begged her to borrow her reading glasses.

The piece de resistance in the whole humiliating experience was when I tried them on and she said, "Oh! Don't wear them yet, they make you look old."

What is a BFF for, hhhmmmmm?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Confimation/First Communion

Saturday #3 was confirmed & made his first communion. He was extraordinarily handsome in his suit and so very excited. I was so happy for him. He has been waiting to receive communion for nearly 2 years. Afterward when I asked him how he was he said, with eyes sparkling, "Great. You know, I wasn't sure if I should drink the blood. But I figured, what the heck, this is my first time. So I went for it."

His confirmation name is Joseph. When I asked why he picked Joseph, the reply was, "Well, Joseph is Jesus' step-father. I figured that if anyone could help me to be close to Jesus, he could."

Today is the feast of St. Joseph the Worker. I emailed DM to tell #3 that. #3 has football practice this evening. His reply was, "I'll fight for him in football."

Gotta love 9 year old boys!

Pain is not fun

I am in pain. Total, hideous, brain numbing pain.

If only my ankle were numb.

Yesterday it was sore, so I wore my good shoes, for which I have a note from my chiropractor in order to wear at work. By lunch time it hurt so much I was nauseaus. I took my magical meds to no effect. On the way home I called the chiro to discuss it and we were befuddled. It hurts more when elevated, but doesn't hurt more when walking on it. Very strange. I called DM to get me the cowboy cure...BOOZE. He procured rum & mojito mix. I didn't drink enough. By 10 that night I was debating whether I should go to ER or not. I hate the ER...hospitals are no place for people! Anyway, I stuck my foot in a bucket of ice water (again) and froze it solid and was finally able to sleep.

This morning when I awoke it still hurt, just not as much as last night. Saw the chiro again and we decided that I must have strained my talofibular ligament. When she adjusted me, doing a side posture (which we have done dozens of times before) my foot got hung up and pulled a little. Maybe with the mess that is my ankle, it just couldn't take it. Still, very strange.

I called the orthopod, whom I saw in January. Yes January 2008! The soonest they can get me in is Monday. Left like this I will have gnawed my foot off by then. I asked if they could call something in for me or have any other ideas of what to do for the pain. They said (notice the quotes) "We couldn't possibly call anything in for you since it has been so long since you have been here."

Since when is 3 months long?!?!

Medical Pitbull Chick reared her ugly head. It has been a long time since she has surfaced and I would rather she continue to hide in the depths of the abyss that is my soul, but she is useful when needed. "Have the doctor call me then. I have an appointment...ON MONDAY...THAT IS 4 DAYS AWAY...WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THEN? HHHHMMMM?" She hemmed & hawed, but said she would leave a message and took my pharmacy # just in case.

I received a call from his office. Another nurse, who wanted to assure me that they wouldn't call in anything for me...blah, blah, blah. My response was the same. I'm still waiting to hear from them. Notice I'm not holding my breath?

Sure hope I don't have to go in to urgentcare.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A Blast from the Past

I just realized that I had a blog on live journal years ago. I found it & started reading. Pretty funny, pretty interesting. I thought this tidbit would be good to put on here. It makes me see how far we have come. It was titled "What to do about (#3)".

That boy may be the death of me, or I him. I he lives to adulthood it will be a miracle!

Today started off badly when he told me that he didn't want to eat breakfast at school, just wanted to go play. I told him no, he must eat, he had plenty of time to eat and play. He growled around and finally went into the cafeteria. I didn't leave till I saw him scooting down the line with his tray, milk & utensils.

When I got there to pick him up, his teacher let us come into her room to wait for #2. #3 was so good. He sat right in his desk and did his homework with hardly any prompting from me. I was shocked and amazed.When done, we left to get #2. After a ways I looked back & there's no #3. "#1, go get your brother." He disappears also. A couple minutes later #1 emerges...dragging #3. The latter is mad, he wanted to go to the playground, I said we had to go to the Chiro. He's pissed, won't move, sitting, pouting on the sidewalk. I go over to the little house monkey and he won't get up, won't speak, only grunts. I try to stand him up, no dice, crumples to the ground like a cheap suit. Try again, this time putting my finger like a hook in his armpit and ATTEMPTING to lift him up like that.

Notice I said attempting?

The child is oblivious to pain...unless he chooses not to be. This is why spanking doesn't work with him. In order for it to effect his behavior it would have to be borderline child abuse...seriously. Gotta find some way to discipline him. Any way, I'm getting madder & madder. I finally decided to leave him there, he'll get bored & decide to straighten up.

What a moron I am.

He just stayed there pouting, and making sure to grunt if people walked by. Yes, I am so very proud. I'm glad I've finally gotten over myself and realized that his behavior is a reflection on him, not me. I go back over, try again. Same results. This time I threaten and make even more of an effort to get him moving, he will not. I give him a swat on his bottom, don't care anymore what people will think. He didn't care at all. I had to walk away, I asked my sister to help me & we just walked away from him toward the cars. He did start following, but knew we were watching him, so made sure to keep his distance. I took all the others to the cars and she went back for him. Surely he wouldn't behave that way for his Auntie.

See above moron comment.

She DRAGGED him into the office and told the secretary that I would be in later to get him. Picture this, a woman who is 6 months pregnant, dragging a 5 year old dead weight that is grunting, squealing and grabbing on to anything that he can.

He is very strong.

I wait till all the traffic has gone (about 10 minutes) and go in the office.

"Are you ready to come with me?"


"We need to go now, get up."


I then take his backpack & say, "Fine, I'm taking this to the car then."

He gets up and follows me. I hug him and sit with him for a while, try to talk to no avail. Let him be, we'll talk later.

When we got home I made him go in his room until dinner. That was a feat in itself. He was apologetic and loving, then when he realized that didn't mean he could come out he freaked all over again.

It wasn't all horrible, he was the sweetest person after dinner. Remorseful & loving. I don't know what to do with him. I will not enable him to turn out like Dean Hoffman! (Dean is a guy that my brother went to highschool with...a complete sociopath)

Talk about a trip down memory lane. He really isn't nearly that bad anymore. Maybe he is learning to use his powers for good.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Kids are just too darn smart

Last week while #3 and I were driving home from football practice, blissfully alone for once, he was babbling on about some video game. I had no frame of reference for what he was talking about & my mind was wandering far, far away. Being a good mom, I did manage to keep an attentiveish look on my face. When he was done I nodded and uttered something along the lines of "mmmhhhhmmmm". He began discussing the practice & I was once again transported into the conversation. Right in the middle he blurts out, "You were totally not listening to me before, huh mom?" If I hadn't been on the freeway I would have buried my face in my hands. I just giggled uncontrollably. He said, "See...I know you! #1 has taught me well."

They are just too smart!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Compliment for BFF?!?

So...BFF is losing weight also. She looks so great it is unreal. She has lost more than I, somewhere around 35-40 lbs. Yes, she has a way to go, but she is going. Her husband, like mine, is not (outwardly anyway) appreciative of or really noticing this transformation. He does support her exercise tho'.

Yesterday, on the way to work, found herself in the unfortunate situation of having to walk to the gas station for some fuel to start the car. While on this walk, someone in a car driving by honked his horn and shouted "lift your shirt!"

If she had told me this in person I would have high-fived her. While not the type of attention she is hoping for, it was a validation of all the hard work she has done.

Friday, March 28, 2008

I may get a swelled head!

Sveltitude baby. It's working.

I stopped at the local convenience store to get the all-important caffeine & nicotine. As I walked in, a man, not a disgusting man mind you, he wasn't untie guy, but not homeless or Jaba either. Anyway...this man looked at me (with appreciation in his eyes) and said "Good Morning, you are looking great today!" Idle chitchat followed as we poured our beverages of choice. I paid and as I walked out the door he made sure to say goodbye from across the store.

This does not sound like anything earth shattering, I realize, but damn it made my day!

You must realize, Dear Reader, that I am the same woman whom Driven Man awakened Tuesday afternoon, from a allergy induced nap, with the following.

DM: "Wake up chubby"
SW*: (glaring) "rrrrrrrrrrr"
DM: (gets on the bed w/ the princess) "Princess, don't hurt your mom's big nose."
SW: (smoke pouring out of ears)
DM: "Your mom's nose is an appendage."
*SW= Sveltitude Woman
I did not acknowledge him with a reply. I know that I cannot enjoy or parent my children from death row, so decided to do or say nothing. When DM took offence at the fact I was not friendly with him, this fell out of his mouth: "It's not my fault that you always wake up grumpy."

Enough with the complaining.

When I got in to work I regaled my BFF with the convenience store incident. As I walked away a co-worker stopped me and said, "You look so cute today! Why are you so dressed up? It is Friday!"

Later, I was looking for something in the filing cabinet. For some reason the previous secretary liked all the files down low. The upper cabinets are empty...the lower ones full...curious. ANYWAY! I'm bent over the lowest filing cabinet. I thought to myself, "Self, this might not be the greatest position to be in with my arse in the air." I answered, "Well, it is hard to squat, especially in these boots & besides, this corner is deserted." Just then I hear a voice, "This job may suck sometimes, but the fringe benefits are great!" It was the friendly, freaky mail room guy. He had rolled his cart up to my desk while I was embroiled in the conversation with my self so I didn't hear him.

Three compliments in one day & it wasn't even 10:00 a.m.

How great is that?!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

There aren't many things hotter...

...than a good looking man with a tie slung over his shoulders, untied.

Now, he does have to start with the looks to begin with. I mean Jaba the Hut, the Staypuff Marshmellow Man or John Belushi wouldn't make me melt wearing an untie. Imagine this guy:

with a tie draped around his neck. How much hotter would he be? Tons.

The reason is I'm even posting this is because I rode the elevator with a guy wearing an untie. I was drooling & barely able to exit when the doors opened.

Can you tell where my mental state is? Yes I am pathetic, but he was yummy!

Monday, March 10, 2008

These people have no pulse!

I work in the morgue.

You've heard me say it before, but I don't think you can comprehend the bone deep truth of that title.

A couple of weeks ago, DM had purchased rubber cockroaches and hid them all over the house. When I went to the bathroom, one lept out of the toilet paper holder. One was sitting on the crockpot covered with a cup. Another was in the soap scrunchy when I showered. My wallet, etc.

I decided that I could have a little fun with them too. My desk sits at the end of a hallway and I can see anyone coming and going from the women's bathroom, copy room and galley. Around 10 a.m. I took one of the revolting little suckers and put it in the cup dispenser. It is the kind with horizontal cup dispensers, you pull one out and the next one pops into place. I placed it on top of the cup in the top dispenser, so that the next person to take a cup would have it spring out at them.

Then I waited.

Nothing happened for quite a while. People kept coming and going, but there was no indication of anything awry. Right before lunch two men, that I had never seen before, left the galley giggling slightly. When they were gone I had to check. It was laying in plain view on the counter next to the soda machine. I was so pleased, the fun was about to begin! Or so I thought. When I came back from lunch it was still sitting in the same spot. For the next three hours I observed multitudes of people going in and out of that room without any reaction whatsoever!!!!! Not a squeak, shudder, scream or even a glance back over their shoulder on the way out the door. NOTHING!!!!!! I did check a couple of times and it was still in the same spot on the counter. At 4:30 a lady that I really like went into the galley, I figured that she would have some reaction. NOTHING!! When she left I did another check and it was still there. As I left at 5 it was finally gone.

I do not understand these people! They really are dead! I am ready to chew my own arm off! My mind is turning to jello. I'm thinking about faking a seizure in the middle of the hallway to see if anyone would notice.

The good news is that, while writing this, I overheard people saying that a new secretary has been hired for the attorney du jure. She will start in two weeks! Hopefully I will go to a different floor soon!

Friday, March 7, 2008

What to do...what to do?

The partners are all in another city for a poohbah meeting. The morgue is more dead than usual. I'm ready to blog, but unsure what to do first.

Should it be the new additions to our home...Pablo Pigcaso & Sir Alec Guinea?

What about my failed attempt to liven up the morgue?

While I contemplate you must read this: Very fun and spot on advice for a newly wed. Better than a letter opener in DM's ocular cavity. To be fair, we had a fantastic day together as a family...the lot of us. Very fun.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Embracing my new found sveltitude

This is not an easy task. I still feel somewhat like that gross old fat lady. I am far from my goal weight (which I haven't seen since freshman year...of high school) but I have lost 5 1/2 pounds since joining WW, 12 since the start of the fat burn challenge, and 18 since critical mass. I'm not really sure when critical mass was, but it was within the past year. It was the kind of number that, upon first viewing, makes ones skin flush and blood run cold. It was a number that I had never seen, and will never see again! My clothes are fitting better and I'm able to wear things that I haven't in over a year.

I keep wearing the fat clothes, because, well, who has the money to buy new work clothes? I have a couple of skirts that are loose enough I'm beginning to fear they will fall off. What does is say about me that I'm hoping that happens? It would be completely different from the eyeliner/mooning incident chronicled in Humiliations Galore. It would be conformation of my ongoing achievement. (Seeing how the world would end if DM ever acknowledged it.) Or maybe I'm just a closet, or not so closet (WOULD YOU SHUT THE FREAKING DOOR?!?) exhibitionist. I can see it now! I get out of my desk in the morgue. I walk toward the boss du jure's office. My feet tangle in the skirt around my ankles and I fall KATHUNK to the floor. No one would notice as this is the morgue & I am the only one who is capable of human emotion or aware of their surroundings. Kicking off the blessedly offending skirt I do move like this:
Well, the add a photo feature is not working...imagine a kid breakdancing...imagine me break dancing. Eewww never mind, don't do that. We might hurt something.

So, anyway, back to the reason for this post. No really, I'm not ADHD!

I went out for a break...yes to smoke & read...(take that DM)...on my way back in I was engrossed in my book. Since having been a highly accomplished read-walker since I began to read, I was doing just that. As I approached the glass doors I heard someone behind me. I glanced at the door to see who was behind me and how far away they were when I saw the reflection of a nice looking woman. It still amazes me how fast the human mind can process information. What happened inside my head goes something like this:

Wow, she looks good

dark wavy hair

cow jacket

nice lipstick

just like me



DAMN!!!!!! I LOOK GOOD!!!!

Oh, there's a blond lady behind me carrying two Starbucks cups. I should open the door for her. I guess she looks good too.

I guess I am now truly embracing my new found sveltitude.

Monday, February 25, 2008

WeightWatchers really works!!

There was a fatburn challenge at work in October. I entered, tried, lost a couple pounds, but nothing good enough to win money in the challenge. Part of my problem was that Driven Man was doing anything he could to undermine me. The other part was that I didn't really have a plan. I "tried to eat better". I didn't want to go on a "diet" because then I would feel denied and then cheat & quit. I wanted to exercise, but couldn't figure it out. Driven Man was so against me joining a gym & so I dragged my feet. After the contest ended, I decided not to care what he thought. I need to exercise, I need to eat better food than the processed, greasy, prepackaged stuff that we have been eating for so long. I decided to take a page from the DM handbook and do what I want without saying anything to him. I signed up at the Bally's by my house. I have been consistently going now for the past few weeks.

I joined WeightWatchers inadvertently. I wanted to learn more because my BFF, who happens to work at the same company I do, has been doing it. I needed to learn about it so I could keep talking to her. Everything was points this and points that. They had a deal where you get a free week membership in their online program. I had to enter my card info, since at the end of the week they charge for a 3 month membership. I thought, "No problem, I'll just cancel before the week is up." HA!!!! I am now $70 poorer, but 5 1/2 pounds lighter!!! I figured that if I paid the $, I may as well work the program. The funny thing is, it really does work. I'm not feeling deprived or hungry and it is helping me change the way I think about food.

Today we had a secretarial meeting and they had bagels for us. I just grabbed a bottle of water and sat down. When people started asking why I wasn't eating (was I not feeling well?) I smiled and said, "I lost 2 1/2 lbs. this week, that feels better than any bagel tastes."

Sunday, January 13, 2008

My Flying Experience

On January 4, 2008 I went, with my family & Dad, to SkyVentures Arizona. Here is the view of the area around there:
It was a nice drive, took about 1 1/2 hours. The kids all slept. When we got down there we saw some parachutists. They just appeared out of the sky when their shutes opened. It was almost hard to go in the building to sign in, because watching them was such fun.

Now, the thing you must understand is that DM had gotten me a gift certificate. He had come down previously and paid $80 for the deluxe package. When looking for the gift certificate the night before, we couldn't find it!!!!! Yes, that's right, it was no where to be found. All we can think is that the kids had grabbed the envelope while cleaning up & it got thrown away. Since I had made the reservation, even if we didn't show up, we would still have to pay, so we went. When we got there we begged the lady to look up our names & she found it, so it didn't cost us any more $.
We went up the stairs and into the building with the wind tunnel. There were employees in it, so we watched them for a while.
I tell you, I felt like a little kid at a birthday party. When it's time to open presents all the other kids rush in as close as possible to watch. Yep, that was me. Whenever one of the guys went in to show off, I was there with my nose pressed to the glass. It was so cool!!! They stepped in and would shoot to the top of the 14' tunnel, then dive back down. They did "Matrix" moves, turned upside down then spin on their heads like gravity defying break dancers. It was amazing and I want to learn how to do it.
Once everyone was there, our instructor took us in the classroom and showed us a video on how to fly. They showed us the position we were to be in and the hand signals that would be used to help us adjust while flying. We then had to get on a little table and demonstrate that we knew how to do the position. Then they gave us our gear. We got an attractive suit like you see above, knee and elbow pads, ear plugs and goggles. Then we went into what was the "holding tank" to take turns flying. Here is a picture of me waiting my turn. Pretty huh?

The grooviest thing about the goggles was that mine kept fogging up like my face was Manila. Every once in a while I'd pull them out away from my face and let them dry out. The only thing that made me nervous at all was wondering if they'd get all fogged up while I was flying and then I wouldn't be able to see anything. I did wonder if it would be difficult to breathe, but figured it couldn't be too bad if people do it all the time.

Watching everyone else was neat, but I was so anxious to get in there. It seemed like their flights were so short.

Then, in I went. I was flying!!!! I got into position and was flying!! The instructor was in there helping me and having me change the position of my legs to adjust the flight. My glasses didn't fog & it was not hard to breathe. I just floated around in there for what seemed like days. Then he was directing me over to the door since my turn was up.
I was glad too because I was tired. The force of the wind on my body, shoulders especially, was tiring. I remember wondering why my turn seemed so much longer than everyone else's. Then I remembered that I had the deluxe package and my flights were 2 minutes where everyone else had only 1 minute...that would make a difference.

We rotated through and all got our second turns. The next time in I started experimenting on my own with changing the position of my arms and legs. The straighter my legs were the higher I would go, more bent, the lower, till I was almost resting on the mesh bottom. At one point I was about 7 feet up and started spinning and spinning. I was not happy when the instructor stopped me. By the time my time was up I was glad, I was really tired. As the instructor moved me toward the door I reached out (wasn't supposed to do that) and went spinning off away from the door. It was really fun. I can't wait to do it again!!

#3 wants to go flying for his birthday at the end of this month and he will get it. Maybe this time we will shoot some video!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Bodily Functions ARE Funny

I am not an 8-14 year old boy, but today I'm really glad that I live with some. Bodily functions ARE funny. Here is how it went down:

The associate that I am currently working for is at my desk looking through her mail. This lady is awesome, very un-attorney like. At a party we had she would rather play with the kids that were there than mingle with co-workers. My kind of people...anyway, on with the humiliation.
We are talking and going through mail, I'm looking down and OUT OF NOWHERE I FART!!! I am the queen of the SBD and if I let one of those go, I could pretend not to notice it or blame the secretary next to me. This was loud. Nothing ground shaking or gross, but a nice resounding TOOT.

What to do? How do I downplay this? Yes, I'm with ubercoolattorneylady but geesh! I AM NOT A BOY!!! I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!! Or my grandmother for that matter. I CANNOT be proud of what I just did! It was too noticeable for me to ignore tho'. We both looked up at each other at the same time. She asked, "Was that..?" I just nodded, I could tell I was starting to turn red & put my head down on my desk, willing myself not to blush. When one blushes one just makes matters that much worse. We were just giggling and giggling. She kept stammering, "...I can't believe made my day..." As she walked back to her office, shoulders still shaking, she said, "It is nice to know that everyone is human."

That it is. Laughing is good, laughing at yourself is even better. When I post this I will be sending her this little tidbit that someone sent me...very appropriate:

  • A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!!'