I HAVE A JOB!!!!

After being unemployed for a year and a half, I am gainfully employed again. I’m doing admin type of stuff for a CPA firm that has recently merged with another company. Right now the position is temporary (through December) and three days a week, while they get their bearings as to what exactly it is that they need. This is a good thing. I’m still able to go to school, albeit part time, and it is a nice ease-in to the rat race.

The down side is that right now they aren’t very busy and I have no work at the moment. It is so tough being the newbie with nothing to do! Right now the lady that is training me is nowhere to be found…so I’m blogging again.

I’m so weird and am afraid I’m becoming a cranky old lady. I just don’t know what I want. I miss being at home and available for my kids. I hate being stuck in an office building with nothing to do. I’m sure it will be better once there is work to do. Wednesday a couple statements came in that I was able to work on…it was the first day that I didn’t feel like gnawing my arm off. I’m working on finding the joy in every moment. One cool thing is that our Phoenix office is on the 23rd floor and the Mesa office is on the 14th. The views are spectacular! Another is that I’m learning how to add links to Excel documents in Word, new skills are always groovy. Yet another is that I am up & looking pretty every morning…the self esteem is so much better when one does that, rather than rolling out of bed and flinging on whatever is at hand.

Well, that’s it for the job. Maybe I’ll be posting more.

I'm a Guardian Angel

I'm a collector of kids. I have my own amazing minions, as well as a slew of their friends that call me mom. Most of my collection are boys, but I'm sure more girls will be added as The Princess gets older.  When I was young I imagined I would have twice the number of children I do.  But now I have all these extras to love & play with & I don't have to be responsible for their homework...boy howdy is that a plus.

Leila introduced me to Reece's Rainbow and all the precious orphans that so desperately need families.  I can't allow myself too much time on the site because I want to bring them all home...especially the boys.  Then came Kurt. I fell into his big, brown eyes and wasn't able to surface.  I want to kiss those cheeks and get him to smile. If my life were different I would snatch him up so fast, but it isn't. His cerebral palsy is mild and he only had $10 in his fund! So now I'm Kurt's guardian angel.  I'm committed to praying for him and helping him find his family. The kids are praying for their "little brother".  I know his mama is out there, she just needs to see him!

The Beat Goes On

School is nearly finished, for all of us.  #1 & I have been done for a week now & the rest of the minions will finish this coming Thursday.  It is SUCH a relief for me to be finished, an enormous weight has been lifted.  While I didn't do nearly as well as I would have liked, I did make it.  There is the temptation to get down on myself for my grades, but that quickly flees when I look back at all that has happened this semester.  If I hadn't lived it, I would think it was made up. 

I did not get the NFP job, but God is so good, because He takes care of me so perfectly.  I said before that all I could pray for regarding this job was that His will would be the same as mine.  There was another part to that prayer...that if our wills weren't the same that He would make me be okay with it. He did. I don't know how, but He did.  When I got the letter that they had hired someone else, I was inexplicably fine with it.  But still there was the question, "HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE?!"  In another inexplicable series of events my friend, Jenny, introduced me to Juice Plus+.  The bottom line is that #1 & I joined the team and are now sharing it with...well...everyone.  I am impressed with the product, I'm impressed with the company and am IMPRESSED with their Child Health Study, in which an adult who buys the product can get it for a child...for free.  I'm still floored by the fact that this company cares enough about kids that they will bend over backward for them to get it.  I hadn't been interested in a direct marketing type job, because, well, I NEED A REGULAR PAYCHECK. But the pieces fell into place and I have peace about it.  It really is God thing & now the prayer is that I'll be able to help people by sharing this product & be able to (SOON) bring in enough money that we can survive...don't need to get rich, just support my kiddos.

Part of the reason that Juice Plus+ is the path I'm pursuing is that DM's mom has cancer and needs to be taken care of.  She is doing well right now on palliative care with hospice, but really shouldn't be left alone for too long.  She wants to be at home, but doesn't believe she needs caregivers. DM isn't capable of taking care of arranging her care and the friend that has been doing it really needs to get on with her own life.  So it falls to me.  If I have a traditional job, I won't be able to be there as much.  With Juice Plus+, I'll be able to still "work" while taking care of her at the same time.  I want to do it, but it is so very difficult, what with her being furious that I'm separated from her darling son and the fact that our communication difficulties have not improved with said separation.

With that being said, I am so looking forward to summer and playing with my kids.

Happy Easter!

This Lent has been a flurry of activity. With my mom passing away, MIL in the hospital with cancer, school work, etc., I've been somewhat of a mad woman. But something amazing has come from my Lenten journey.

My dear friend, Leila (who has the F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. blog), started talking about Reece's Rainbow, as a suggestion for Lenten alms giving. In the process she has stirred up our community to pray & advocate for & (for some of us) to adopt. She has even started a new blog to help these orphans! I read the story about Samuel today & was overjoyed to find that a family is working furiously to bring him home. I fell in love with him & so wanted to be able to bring him here, even tho that is impossible on so many fronts. It cracks me up that while other women may go to the spa, scrapbook, or do the full on soccer mom thing, my circle of friends is collecting orphans & helping, in whatever way they can, to bring them home to families! God is so amazing! AND my good friends, the Smiths, are in the process of adopting Malcom! I can't wait to meet him.
On another front, I have an interview on Monday for a part-time job in the Natural Family Planning office. It would be perfect, I want it so very badly, that I can't simply pray for God's will to be done, but that His will matches mine. I've got my mom advocating for me up in heaven. If His will doesn't mesh with mine, I'm praying He will help me to accept it graciously & without whining about it. I find it fascinating that this position opened up shortly after mom died, as she was a founding member of NFP & it's first director. So pray!! Please pray tons! I need a job now and would rather it be something I was made for & love than just a job.

Iiiiittttssss.....lllleeennnnnnnt!

With the advent of "priest boy" has come a development that I had not anticipated. The increased "spirituality" of our household. Every last one of us, to one degree or another, has grown in the past few months. It is really awesome.

What has been going on with me has been, unexpected. The past several years of my life have been pretty difficult & I've haven't been able to bring myself to really do anything for lent. My life is difficult and sacrificial enough, I just didn't have it in me to add to it. This year, however I was itching for it to start. My life hasn't gotten any easier, but there is just so much to pray & sacrifice for and, apparently, I'm up for it.

On another note, I've started a new blog, just for my pictures & projects done in my classes.

Raising Future Delinquents

Since #1 has been telling people about his future in the seminary, I've had a number of reactions. Most have been overwhelmingly positive. As a rule, I don't usually get negative reactions from people about much of anything, I don't know why it is, but it is. The worst have been raised eyebrows and a "That's nice?" I just beam and say, why yes it is! The reaction that has surprised me the most has been, "You must be a great mother!!!" While I try my best to be a good mom, I have so very many shortcomings that glare at me all the time. I guide my kids as best I can, but his vocation is totally a God thing. Just to show that I'm not going to be canonized any time soon, I offer this little glimpse into our lives.
One night this week, homework was finished and a minion asked if I knew how to pick locks. I wiggled my eyebrows mysteriously and said "Maybe." This set off a whirlwind of shouting & begging. "I knew you knew how!" "Teach me, Mom." and "Pleasepleasepleaseplease showmehowtodoit!" I tried to redirect, we needed to get ready for bed. No dice, the Minions were in full frenzy. #2 looked me in the eye and said "Mom, what if it was the zombie apocalypse, we were all locked in a room and you were passed out? Would you want to die because you never taught us to pick locks?!" How could I argue with that logic? I looked at the doors in the house, only the bathroom door has the hole allowing it to be picked. I thought, this isn't so bad, how much havoc could they wreak? Note to self: Never ask that question in this house. I locked the bathroom door, straightened a bobby pin and proceeded to unlock it. The Minions were wild with glee. I guided each one in turn in the magical process. They all did it, with varying levels of ease. It then was decided that the bathroom must always remain locked. If one wants to use the facilities, one must earn one's entrance. When I mentioned that might not be a good idea, what if, for instance, someone had a bathroom emergency? #1 replied "That is a good opportunity to learn how to function under pressure. If someone needs to use the bathroom, they will have to calm themselves and unlock it."
What followed was a day & a half of cursing at the bathroom door and lots of giggling. I've put an end to that new rule.

Best Christmas Gift...Tears!

As a child I always loved God. I remember understanding the Real Presence at a very young age, having a devotion to the Rosary and an appreciation for the Church. In my early twenties I really began to learn my faith and fell deeply in love. There were many, many years that God & I were really tight. I felt his presence with me all the time. There were so many times during the day that I would be moved to tears by His power and majesty and goodness. I learned that there were many saints that suffered years of spiritual dryness. I felt so sorry for them. My faith wasn't based on feelings, yet how sad it must be to not feel His presence, for faith and the practice thereof to be a purely intellectual pursuit, largely an act of the will.
And then it was all taken away. My tears were gone. It wasn't for a lack of belief, or prayer, or love at all, I was still doing everything I always had, the "feeling" was just sucked out of me. I kept soldiering on. Even thanking God for this opportunity to suffer for Him. As weeks and months grew into years prayer became increasingly difficult. It "felt" like I was just flapping my lips (something that I'm so very good at) for no real purpose. I taught my children about God's love and the fact that He is always with us and is waiting for us always to talk to Him. Though I know it is true, the words seemed hollow. I even prayed occasionally for the feeling to come back, to no avail. I eventually accepted it as my lot in life, noting that I was in the company of some of the greatest saints was small comfort.
In the good and the bad my faith never waived, it was just so very, very dry. In the past couple years, which have been so very difficult, my active prayer has increased, so I assumed that the feelings would come rushing back...not! God's goodness has been so evident in our lives, He has taken perfect care of us, but still no tears, for good or bad.
#1 is now actively discerning his vocation. God has been chasing him down all his life and he has gone back and forth as to what he wants to do. Sometimes he has been drawn to the priesthood, but he wants to be married and have a family. A couple months ago he met with Fr. Paul Sullivan about discernment and he has been doing the things he advised. He is so much more content now than he ever has been in his life. There is a peace about him that is amazing. On Christmas Day #1 told me that he is going in the seminary. He and God had a talk about it during Mass and this is what he needs to do.
And the flood gates opened.
It wasn't immediate, the boy dropped this news on me as we were walking in to the movie theater to watch Puss in Boots! But God is back, I feel Him all around me again, I get teary eyed over the least little thing. Now I do realize that this is a new thing and may not last, but I am so very grateful for it and will savor it as long as it lasts. The tears are as big a miracle for me as my boy wanting to be a priest.

Back in the Saddle?

Why is it so hard to write?

There are so many things I want to write about, but I don’t. It is so much easier to veg out playing stupid, meaningless games. They aren’t even that much fun, just brain sucking time wasters. Why?

Maybe it is because there are so many big things that occupy my mind most of the time that it is just so nice to be able to turn it off with the games. More likely it is the procrastinator’s deadly trap. I’ll just play for a little bit, the games don’t take that long. The writing or whatever is going to take a lot of time & thought, so I will wait until I have the time to do it. Unfortunately I will not have the time to do it…I need to make the time. And there is the rub, the making of time. That is something I haven’t done in quite some time and desperately need to start again.

Flylady really worked for me once. At a time when my health, physical and mental, was very bad I used the Flylady methods with great success. My house and my life ran so much more smoothly than ever before, or since. I will get back at it. Since the kids have school this week and Joshie & I don’t start until next week, I’m going to use the time to routines set up and begin to purge the crap from my house. When DM lost the house last May and subsequently moved all the crap from his house here, I’ve sort of lost the will to deal with it.

Seven months of despair & denial is wwwaaaaayyyy to long. It ends now. My putting it on here is a desperate bid for accountability.

Happy New Year

New year...might I blog more/again? We'll see. It sounds like a nice idea tho.

I'm just stopping in right now to say how much I love my kids. Every single one of them has done something in the last week that has made me outrageously happy/proud/in awe of them.

The Princess wanting to give away her extra Easy Bake Oven to a poor girl, even after we told her she could take it to a store & trade it in for something else. #3, after having gone to my brother's non-denominational church today, was overheard telling his brother that "They didn't have the Eucharist! Jesus wasn't even there!" (This is not a slam to my brother or his church, but to show that this kid knows, understands & loves what it means to be Catholic.) #2, well it is so late that I don't remember the specific incident, but he is #2. Amazingly resilient, good natured and has made some very good decisions on his own with only gentle suggestions from me. Like his decision to NOT get the 7" blade in the groovy cane he bought. He really did make that decision, much to my shock & incredible relief. It made me so glad to have let him make the decision instead of forbidding it...the dude does have some sense.

Then there is #1. He has been actively discerning his vocation for a while now. On Christmas Eve Mass God gave him the gift of an answer. I have never seen my boy more happy and at peace. It was the best Christmas present ever...for me too.

So maybe after I sleep I'll write more...or not...we know my track record.