Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wardrobe Malfunction or T.M.I.
This is another of those "women's issues" posts. If you can't handle it, step away from the computer & I'll catch you later. I don't really blame you, I wouldn't want the scarring metal imagery either.
For those of you brave enough to hang in there, I'll pray for you...here goes.
Underwear isn't about who you are wearing it for, it is about how it makes you feel. Basic briefs are comfortable, but boring. Your grandma wears them and nothing about them makes you feel pretty, let alone sexy. When I wear them I feel frumpy and fat...I avoid them.
The hipster brief, especially when decorative, is better. Pretty, conservative but make you feel pretty. Then there are thongs and/or g-strings. I long thought that only sluts wore them. That the only reason one would wear them was if one was getting action, and then it would only be on ones body for the shortest amount of time possible. They would be incredibly uncomfortable, wouldn't they? Dental floss up your crack, you spend your life trying to get your underwear out of your crack, why would you want something to stay there, and all the other arguments come to mind.
I was wrong. I know that's hard to believe, but it is true. While I don't think I would wear them on a daily basis, the ones I have are, surprisingly, not uncomfortable. The magic is in how it makes me feel! I am sexy! Not in a flash the string, I need to get some now & I don't care who it is way, but a self confidence I am a W-O-M-A-N kind of way.
Now on to the incident. Yesterday was casual day at work. The jeans I was wearing were the at the hip kind and all the clean underwear I had would have overlapped...gross. Even if nobody saw it, I would know it was bunching up and overlapping, like putting too much batter in a muffin tin. So I found the g-string. It wouldn't overlap & would make me feel good...no problem! I wore it all day and the confidence boost was a good thing since I'd worn a shirt (that always made me feel pretty...before I lost weight) that was fine, but I felt completely frumpy. That shirt is going away this weekend. Every time I would see myself in the damn gold doors on the elevators and cringe at how eeewwww I looked, I would just smile & remember that I was wearing rockin undies.
After work DM wanted to go to the drive in with the minions to see "Night at the Museum" because the weather was so beautiful. It was fun, the movie was FANTASTIC, a good time was had by all. On one of the multiple potty excursions with the Princess, it happened. The pelvic floor of a woman who has had multiple children is an elusive thing. They say "just do Kegels, it will strengthen things right up." They are lying bastards and I hate them. They obviously are men and haven't ever squeezed something the size of a watermelon through an opening the size of a grape, and lived to tell about it. They don't have to worry about when they last used the facilities when out with their friends, because to laugh too hard could cause a little ole accident. They have never uttered the phrase "Stop making me laugh, I'm going to pee!" They have never had to make the decision to put on a pad or fore go the trampoline, when the kids are begging for a family jump. But I digress.
The Princess & I went in to the restroom, I sent her into her stall & then realized that it would be a good idea for me to avail myself of them as well. I entered the dingy, rickety stall (drive in bathrooms are worth a post all by themselves!) and as I began unbuttoning my jeans I realized the need was greater than I thought, so I started moving more quickly. I did the, hook the thumbs in the undies and pull everything down at once, move.
I got hung up!
The string, from the g, was entangled. In hair. It wouldn't budge. By this time my bladder could see the toilet. That is the place to let loose, thought the bladder, and it didn't care that I wanted to halt the action. I reached down, grabbed the offending string...and got a palm full of urine! That was not my intent!!! I yanked the g-string free and then reassured the Princess that it was okay, it's normal for Mommy to scream in the bathroom. Somehow the jeans were not soiled and I dried my tears and went to watch the rest of the movie.
So now we know that the g-string is not just an undergarment, it is a very effective depilatory as well.